Crow

 If I were a crow

I'd be liberated like the yearning winds of Afghanistan

Beneathe my curious talons, above the city streets, the buzz of a hopeless feat 

flying free, inculpable of an unnecessary anatomical anomaly; unconcerned

Relentless

So when illusion breaks, I see clearly 

the distance; novel and omnipresent 

self, culture, what is, what ought to be

the growing change of heart

Wide, wider than the sun

Everything, everywhere

And I fly, unapologetically - subject to an abstract desire 

of an insignificant entity, behind glass window, a questionable reality 

Afaf

Unsent Letters to Mum

I'm really not sure that there is a god who is a conscious sole creator of everything, but I am sure that if I am unaware and there is one, they would be happier with me than they are with someone who is penalizing others, especially their own children, for their lack of blind belief in something invisible. I am sure that if there is a kind god, they would not approve of the behavior of a parent who alienates their child from their family because the offspring doesn't follow the path of the parent's life. I am sure that if there was a just god, they would disapprove of a parent telling their child that that they are paving their way to hell and is trapped by Satan for honestly admitting to the lack of evidence in the stories of a religion. The parent is the real Satan for disowning their offspring for unreasonable beliefs, causing stress into the child's life due to extreme criticism, not giving their daughter equal opportunities as their sons, depriving her of the freedom to have a social life, or any kind of life other than the one they choose for her, to have a partner of their choice, for not giving privacy to adult daughters, stopping her from pursuing a career of her personal choice, putting unfair restrictions upon her, and so much more. 

I don't need Allah to be kind and honest, and Allah doesn't need my worship, but if you need to them to live your life, then I hope you seek refuge in your Allah to find the true meaning of kindness and take a look at your language with me in your messages and reflect on who is being hurtful to whom. 

I have never asked for a penny and you have also barely spent anything on me since I was 19. My childhood was a mess - not letting me study in co-ed, not allowing me to participate in sports, not letting me befriend any boys or even talk to them, or look at them - you still justify these ancient lifestyle choices. Me trying to stay in touch with you was only because I hoped for mutual acceptance and support like a normal family. This is 2025. There is no excuse yourself on best practices of parenthood and growth. But sadly, it seems like you are least concerned about my well-being. You are too old, and I didn't want to remind you of your misdoings towards me throughout my life and for creating obstacles in my way to living life to my true self, to not make you feel guilty. But your treatment towards me is outrageous, and I am tired of being the good person, and taking your harsh treatment silently.

It makes zero sense that you are worried about me because if your worry is about how God will treat me while believing that god is fair, then God is definitely not going to treat me with anything but love. If God is kind, fair and appreciates honesty, then I am 100% safe from any punishment or anger from him. Because ethical, fair, kind and all-seeing God will see that I give love freely. I do kind things to simply be kind, and make the world a better place for people to live. My kindness is not backed by the selfish desire of jannat in the end. I care about people not out of subservience to anyone, but because I genuinely care. I am proud and grateful that in my life now, I speak only the truth. I realize my mistakes and try to be a better person everyday. Any fair god would see me and love me more than anyone else. If there is divine power that looks after someone, then I am so sure that I am so very protected. You have no idea the shit that I have to go through here, and how I am still alive, healthy and housed. Maybe it is the divine power keeping me safe and happy. 

You are not worried about me, rather it is your ego getting the best of you since someone in your house, probably the first woman in generations, chose a path different than the one that is traditionally and religiously set out for women. It is difficult for you to accept that someone can be free, happy and also be on the right path in an unconventional way. 

You can say all you want, the truth will remain the truth that I am an honest person and I speak the truth and you are being unfair to me. 

You should at least stop lying to me, and maybe to yourself about how worried you are about me. There are no signs of worry or love for someone in the behavior that you represent.

Wicked

 What I want is to love someone 

Love takes over 

Fearless

And when they die 

I live peacefully with just the memories of us

A sound reason to be miserable

To question oneself 

To almost give up

On loyalty, on life

Confusion can take their leave 

Then malice leeks within the kitchen floor, I swear, it's trying to get in

The world is melting from outside in

Every problem has a solution, everyone dies 

You may walk away, get another degree

Join a cult

Slaughter a rabbit

Do the witchcraft

It's the condition you have

Be a furry

You are butterfly 

Take some extra pills

Jump off the cliff

Madness

Fly fly away, once again, start over 

Dance, chaos 

Afaf

Purple

I nipped a bud too soon I don't think that they'll understand Or you, or anyone at all  I look into your eyes, and I die The pot too falls at the same time, dirt everywhere Glass half crap, hopes, crumbling teeth in dreams, and a flicker of the last high Scattered? Perhaps like Api says: lost It's okay if your hair gets a taste of vomit There is always something worse Everyone clenches, hayati Metamorphosis shots - now!  It's okay  to be scattered at times As if someone dies, smiling Please know how lovely you are I, as free as a kite Pas de bouree, pas de bouree Hold that thought; us Afaf J. 

Inspiration credits

1. Iris - Goo Goo dolls: I don't think that they'll understand

2. Amanda likes alt rock. Fuck, yeah! Amanda is awesome for many reasons.

3. Tanner: "It's okay."

Humans.

A relationship 

of anxiety, dishonesty, misbelief, mistrust 

(Love.)

and love

                              to be precise. 

One may say,

Hayati...

It's okay to be scattered at times. 

As if someone died, smiling 

As free as a kite

Pas de bouree, pas de bouree and then

I remember one night when you sobbed in my arms with tears running down your face and you told me how you don't know what you're doing with your life, how you think you're not in the right place being a student at 34, and how you feel distant from your friends and family, and how you think you're losing me, and maybe that you have already lost me. I saw how torn you were and I felt helpless. When I asked what you needed, I wanted to give my life to take away your pain. 

(Guilt.)

When you said you feel you have already lost me, I felt what you really meant was that I had in fact lost you. You didn't trust a word I said, even when I told you the truth. I had done the damage. It was too far gone.

(Loss.)

I did not understand what a relationship is while I was in one with you. I am ignorant like that. But now when I tell people I was in a two and a half year long relationship with someone, I feel I nipped a bud too soon. 

I don't think that they'll understand

Or you

Or anyone at all

Please know how lovely you are 

I look into your eyes, and I die

The pot too falls at the same time, dirt everywhere

Glass half crap, hopes, crumbling teeth in dreams, and a flicker of the last high

Scattered? Perhaps like Api says: lost

It's okay if your hair gets a taste of vomit

There is always something worse 

Shots - now! 

Butterfly.

I promise I will learn from my mistakes.

 He is kind and sweet, 

He gives me love

And I give him 

Everything,

I never gave you

And when he sees things

The way you did, I wish

I did not do you wrong

Afaf J.

December 25, 2023

Five Parts Blog - December 25, 2023

This blogs comes to you in five parts: 

1. The joy in the air

2. Does joy come from where we live? 

3. DISC profile Assessment, I recommend 

4. Another dream

5. The part where I tell you you're awesome

Part one: The joy in the air

Almost every patient I checked out today told me they will be with their family over the holidays when I asked them their plans for the holidays. I asked everyone. I checked out around 72 patients today. It's amazing to see how people in most cultures celebrate public festivals with their families. I can feel a similar joy in the air as I felt around Eid Holidays when I lived in Lahore. It's beautiful and inspiring. Family is one of the richest assets in life for us.  

Part two: Does joy come from where we live? 

I live in Ottawa now. I love being here. Perhaps words cannot describe the gratitude I feel. Perhaps I would feel the gratitude wherever I live with the education and wisdom I have gained over time. I live in Canada without family and perhaps I could have continued living in Pakistan and still would have felt this gratitude. I was certain for a few years of my life that I 'need' to leave Pakistan to feel accomplished. I am not sure about this anymore. Perhaps, perhaps only - because I like to believe that the only reality is this. It is now. It is nothing else. It is nowhere else. It can never be anything other than what is. 

Regret and guilt are unnecessary emotions because everything that has happened could not have happened any other way given the external circumstances we grow up with, our genetics, evolution, life, astronomy, the pop that began the universe, life or whatever it is that came first, and our mind; hence, it happened the way it did. The only way it has happened. The only way it could happen. 

Part three: DISC profile Assessment, I recommend

Admittedly, I miss family, my sisters who are with their children, my nieces and nephews, and our parents in Pakistan right now. I have immense love for them. I will do anything for them. Although, this would be a good time to remember that my DISC profile analysis did suggest that I tend to over-promise. I sadly agree that it has been true at times in the past. Since I did the assessment, I have been more careful about my promises. My promise to self to never lie again (since I read Sam Harris's book "Lying") definitely helps keep myself in check. By the way the disc assessment is awesome. You can do it too, just look it up. 

Part four: Another dream 

Everyone at work did their DISC profile analysis before the Tony Robins Results Coaching event. My, my - was that my favourite experience in a while! Yes, it was. One day, (now I am fantasizing) when I will become an international traveling coach publicly speaking with hundreds of people regularly, I will tell the people that I saw my life - I saw its goods and its bads, and I asked myself: how can I improve it? The answer was simple: I had to leave Pakistan. 

It is almost 2024, I am a dual citizen of Canada and Pakistan, and I live my dream life each day and every moment. 

P.S. If while reading, you imagined yourself living your dream life, cheers to you! Cheers for being able to accept the reality that whatever you want oh-so-bad is in-fact absolutely and determinably possible and doable. Cheers to you for imagining that even if it hasn't become reality yet. 

Part five: The part where I tell you you're awesome

You are awesome. 

With love, 

Afaf J. 

December 18, 2023

Draft 2, January 27, 2024

Retreat

An arc flexed and released
another illusion breaks
love times out
life walked back from my mother’s warm blanket
to the cold winter nights in a great land of privilege
aware, adamant, ardently holds on to isolation

I am better by myself

It's candy coated charcoal 
you must have smelled it
no surprises there; retreat
it won’t be easy so here’s what you do:
meld with the batter of added salt instead of sugar
everyone fucks up

Take the back seat, surrender

Afaf J.