Living in a new country club

My friend said something simple the other day but it stuck.

“You’re just like any other normal person in social settings”, he said. I get how I appear to be a regular person – why not? I have a regular job, like most people, a place to live, I do my groceries on the weekends.

But internally, my mind feels restless, I feel conflicted on holidays, I think twice before forming responses because I don’t speak my native language. I am evaluating social norms, processing my hesitance, shock, adaptability – or lack thereof; all the time. Yes, I look like just another person seemingly doing pretty well in the society, but no one will get this feeling unless they are a part of the “living in a new country club”. I don’t expect a softer treatment from anyone bc of this – but my experience of life is nothing like that of someone who has lived in one place their whole life.

Aware

 I was naive, unaware

I did not understand 

When the car sat in the garage while I walked to school in forty-five degrees

I was never allowed to drive

I had been invisible for a while 

When fever kept me in bed

Mama whispered verses,

healing blew across my face

I felt love

Or was it faith? Stronger. 

I didn’t yet know what that meant

My dada, he wasn't there when I was born

My name was given over the phone

Mother washed for six then

and ants ate at my scalp

I picked the wound until it grew

Was I six or eight when he was finally back?

then surprise came with joy, he had joy!

I saw him laugh with the cousins’ daughters

That side of him I had never seen before

I was shy, but why was it kept away?

I scratched my head, did not understand 

I jumped across rooftops,

toes bleeding red into the dust

I played with scissors

in ignorant bliss

I played in solitude, in fear

Mother was always praying

or at the sink

or fetching water for my abbuji

so he would not rage

But he did.

So angry, angry, angry

All because of a missing waif-beater vest 

And still, no work, no help

Just the mosque

I was too young to understand

Now I live with a kind man

Responsible. Present.

and father says he would rather die

than see me like this

But I live.

And I live.

And I live.

Albeit estranged... so impossible 

to comprehend 

I am worldly, aware

I now understand

Crow

 If I were a crow

I'd be liberated like the yearning winds of Afghanistan

Beneathe my curious talons, above the city streets, the buzz of a hopeless feat 

flying free, inculpable of an unnecessary anatomical anomaly; unconcerned

Relentless

So when illusion breaks, I see clearly 

the distance; novel and omnipresent 

self, culture, what is, what ought to be

the growing change of heart

Wide, wider than the sun

Everything, everywhere

And I fly, unapologetically - subject to an abstract desire 

of an insignificant entity, behind glass window, a questionable reality 

Afaf

Wicked

 What I want is to love someone 

Love takes over 

Fearless

And when they die 

I live peacefully with just the memories of us

A sound reason to be miserable

To question oneself 

To almost give up

On loyalty, on life

Confusion can take their leave 

Then malice leeks within the kitchen floor, I swear, it's trying to get in

The world is melting from outside in

Every problem has a solution, everyone dies 

You may walk away, get another degree

Join a cult

Slaughter a rabbit

Do the witchcraft

It's the condition you have

Be a furry

You are butterfly 

Take some extra pills

Jump off the cliff

Madness

Fly fly away, once again, start over 

Dance, chaos 

Afaf

Purple

I nipped a bud too soon I don't think that they'll understand Or you, or anyone at all  I look into your eyes, and I die The pot too falls at the same time, dirt everywhere Glass half crap, hopes, crumbling teeth in dreams, and a flicker of the last high Scattered? Perhaps like Api says: lost It's okay if your hair gets a taste of vomit There is always something worse Everyone clenches, hayati Metamorphosis shots - now!  It's okay  to be scattered at times As if someone dies, smiling Please know how lovely you are I, as free as a kite Pas de bouree, pas de bouree Hold that thought; us Afaf J. 

Inspiration credits

1. Iris - Goo Goo dolls: I don't think that they'll understand

2. Amanda likes alt rock. Fuck, yeah! Amanda is awesome for many reasons.

3. Tanner: "It's okay."

Humans.

A relationship 

of anxiety, dishonesty, misbelief, mistrust 

(Love.)

and love

                              to be precise. 

One may say,

Hayati...

It's okay to be scattered at times. 

As if someone died, smiling 

As free as a kite

Pas de bouree, pas de bouree and then

I remember one night when you sobbed in my arms with tears running down your face and you told me how you don't know what you're doing with your life, how you think you're not in the right place being a student at 34, and how you feel distant from your friends and family, and how you think you're losing me, and maybe that you have already lost me. I saw how torn you were and I felt helpless. When I asked what you needed, I wanted to give my life to take away your pain. 

(Guilt.)

When you said you feel you have already lost me, I felt what you really meant was that I had in fact lost you. You didn't trust a word I said, even when I told you the truth. I had done the damage. It was too far gone.

(Loss.)

I did not understand what a relationship is while I was in one with you. I am ignorant like that. But now when I tell people I was in a two and a half year long relationship with someone, I feel I nipped a bud too soon. 

I don't think that they'll understand

Or you

Or anyone at all

Please know how lovely you are 

I look into your eyes, and I die

The pot too falls at the same time, dirt everywhere

Glass half crap, hopes, crumbling teeth in dreams, and a flicker of the last high

Scattered? Perhaps like Api says: lost

It's okay if your hair gets a taste of vomit

There is always something worse 

Shots - now! 

Butterfly.

I promise I will learn from my mistakes.

 He is kind and sweet, 

He gives me love

And I give him 

Everything,

I never gave you

And when he sees things

The way you did, I wish

I did not do you wrong

Afaf J.

December 25, 2023

Five Parts Blog - December 25, 2023

This blogs comes to you in five parts: 

1. The joy in the air

2. Does joy come from where we live? 

3. DISC profile Assessment, I recommend 

4. Another dream

5. The part where I tell you you're awesome

Part one: The joy in the air

Almost every patient I checked out today told me they will be with their family over the holidays when I asked them their plans for the holidays. I asked everyone. I checked out around 72 patients today. It's amazing to see how people in most cultures celebrate public festivals with their families. I can feel a similar joy in the air as I felt around Eid Holidays when I lived in Lahore. It's beautiful and inspiring. Family is one of the richest assets in life for us.  

Part two: Does joy come from where we live? 

I live in Ottawa now. I love being here. Perhaps words cannot describe the gratitude I feel. Perhaps I would feel the gratitude wherever I live with the education and wisdom I have gained over time. I live in Canada without family and perhaps I could have continued living in Pakistan and still would have felt this gratitude. I was certain for a few years of my life that I 'need' to leave Pakistan to feel accomplished. I am not sure about this anymore. Perhaps, perhaps only - because I like to believe that the only reality is this. It is now. It is nothing else. It is nowhere else. It can never be anything other than what is. 

Regret and guilt are unnecessary emotions because everything that has happened could not have happened any other way given the external circumstances we grow up with, our genetics, evolution, life, astronomy, the pop that began the universe, life or whatever it is that came first, and our mind; hence, it happened the way it did. The only way it has happened. The only way it could happen. 

Part three: DISC profile Assessment, I recommend

Admittedly, I miss family, my sisters who are with their children, my nieces and nephews, and our parents in Pakistan right now. I have immense love for them. I will do anything for them. Although, this would be a good time to remember that my DISC profile analysis did suggest that I tend to over-promise. I sadly agree that it has been true at times in the past. Since I did the assessment, I have been more careful about my promises. My promise to self to never lie again (since I read Sam Harris's book "Lying") definitely helps keep myself in check. By the way the disc assessment is awesome. You can do it too, just look it up. 

Part four: Another dream 

Everyone at work did their DISC profile analysis before the Tony Robins Results Coaching event. My, my - was that my favourite experience in a while! Yes, it was. One day, (now I am fantasizing) when I will become an international traveling coach publicly speaking with hundreds of people regularly, I will tell the people that I saw my life - I saw its goods and its bads, and I asked myself: how can I improve it? The answer was simple: I had to leave Pakistan. 

It is almost 2024, I am a dual citizen of Canada and Pakistan, and I live my dream life each day and every moment. 

P.S. If while reading, you imagined yourself living your dream life, cheers to you! Cheers for being able to accept the reality that whatever you want oh-so-bad is in-fact absolutely and determinably possible and doable. Cheers to you for imagining that even if it hasn't become reality yet. 

Part five: The part where I tell you you're awesome

You are awesome. 

With love, 

Afaf J. 

December 18, 2023

Draft 2, January 27, 2024

Retreat

An arc flexed and released
another illusion breaks
love times out
life walked back from my mother’s warm blanket
to the cold winter nights in a great land of privilege
aware, adamant, ardently holds on to isolation

I am better by myself

It's candy coated charcoal 
you must have smelled it
no surprises there; retreat
it won’t be easy so here’s what you do:
meld with the batter of added salt instead of sugar
everyone fucks up

Take the back seat, surrender

Afaf J.

29 and Rocking.

Life twisted, turned and took me along with it while it jerked and messed up my intestines, my heart, and my head. But somehow, I feel stronger. 

I have more ideas on paper (digitally, really) than I ever did. I have lived most of my life terrified of my parents' reaction when they learn their daughter is essentially paving her way to hell. Now - I know I was already in hell, but I understand how I can turn it into heaven for myself. 

I have learnt how little I truly know about what life is. I have also learnt that it is okay for me to not have all the answers. I am prepared to answer my parents' objections in a logical, calm (hopefully), kind and respectful manner. I have  openly and honestly confessed how much I love my mom and dad. My mum says that if I do not pray (the Muslim way), I do not love her. Well, I really do not pray. Do not intend to either. I still love my mum - no doubts about that. 

I have decided to share everything about my life and my journey in various forms. Love won all the battles in my life. My goal is to join hands with the humans of the world and let them know they deserve to be understood, loved, and accepted. I will hold the hand of anyone and everyone standing next to me in the circle of global companionship. Your mental health challenges (and trust me, you got 'em), race, color, country, accent has no weight in the eyes of the kindness you deserve. My goal is to make you realize that. My goal is to reveal the beauty of love that I have come to experience to the rest of the world. 

I have learnt about the path that leads to feeling stronger, more satisfied and healthier. I have learned to release fear from my heart. I have chosen a path to follow in life and I hope to meet you there someday. 

Afaf J.