Free Thought

 

He says you're not such an emotional mess

and he says, you should give yourself some credit

And yes the dilemma between reality and illusion

Makes me want to pull my hair sometimes

The longing for an escape has made my heels wear out

On top of that, there is confusion: I see you

In the people walking past me,

Hastily,

and as I turn around

It's not you

Nor anything,

nor anyone,

Was it even possible to be so free?

It has past the crises what they call existencial, you see

The shadows in my dreams,

And the blood,

So much,

Everywhere,

Makes me wonder if it's really me

who witnesses these thoughts,

Or am I the thoughts myself?

So could you blame me?

I am lost,

But a little less than everyone around me,

And a little more,

Than I think I should be.

fa

Commence.

 

I am servility; jerk and pluck.

A bionic cloud; my hero.
A wild deer – tamed.

He is glitter; a godlike dusk.
A devil in question; ripped apart.

But sweet and lovely; marshmallow.

A dream, yet another one.

Fat and thirsty; made out of wood.
Ablaze.

And then a promise – a love promise.

The severed head of a demon in left, I hold out my right.
Commence.

A tank full of pure-oxygen, an ignition.

Detoner, immortal.
This seed will bud with two heads.

Fa

A magnanimous Outburst.

 The sheets are empty

And maybe I am too.
A beatless heart,
And a magnanimous burst.
A soulless cry,
And a mysterious love.
These unleashed demons and
A squeak so loud
A crushed to ground;
Butterfly.

He waited for the coldest night of a lifetime.
An extravagant adventure
A sculpture, an ice sculpture.
A claim unprocessed.
A right undelivered.

(My heartache may kill me tonight.)

He carved with care.
He cut and carved;
And filed and blew.
Shaped her right.
Chiseled in plight.

But the ice-dust will waft away all the pain.

Put your hands on mine,
Just a little bit of patience will do.
The flower will bud,
Maybe unscented at first.
It will be beautiful and beyond the conventional love.
Forgive me tonight, and move past the hurt.
Only once and yet forever.
Forgive me tonight, and move past the hurt. 

 

Fa

A Dream.

 Take a scalpel.
Or a sharpener blade
It's thin like paper
Like a broken dream
Fragile - a dilapidated soldier
The war is lost,
I lay bare.


Now open my heart,
See you all you can
An autopsy of the live
One beat here, another missed --- spasms.
Ice cold velvet rush,
In snow;
In quarantine;
Yield.

See for yourself
For you can see all you can
All there is;
The rotten flesh - plastic.
Dried blood,
And black rose-petals
Revolting manners and a sickening scent.
Rebellious and arrogant she grew.
Now dead; dead inside.

See for yourself.
See all you can.

 

Fa

Lavender.

 A lavender delight got me.

And I started to melt; like new snow
on a sunny day, a knob of butter
On a warm pan, a teenage dream
Innocent.
Unanticipated breakdown.

On ice.
On sleet.
A surrender, a beautiful surrender. 

 

 

Fa

I am thinking of you.

In this scruffy little place
As just another nutty case
I hear so much,
I hear it all.
Some screaming in my head
And some I think outside
Sirens of the fire trucks and the overwhelming police car lights
It's 2 a.m. And I am thinking of you.

'Too little to be bothered about,
Too insignificant in the grand scheme'
I've heard it all too much
I've become a victim at ease
'a grain of sand in an ocean of the desert'

'moments are real, your worry a devil
Yet I feel I feel a little too much
It's 2 a.m. And I am thinking of you.

They won't accept it
Neither will they deny

my insanity is not so insane

 my words are not that lame

I am a failure still, I think I will always be
So I keep my head down,
say yes to what they ask
I stay the dirty little rebel I've been cursed to be
I lie to them for them to be at peace
It's 2 a.m. And I keep thinking.

There's not much my head can do
Not much I expect it to be
At the back of it, there's always you

at the front there too.
In the centre it feels hollower than ever

but I feel like you're there too.
It's 2 a.m. And I am thinking of you

Fa 

Peace and rose petals

I couldn't be doing any better

And I never knew this would be my life one day

My emotional state is a mess, 

Like always

Shall I say

The love inside of me keeps getting bigger, I wonder does it even have an end?

I don't want to hurt anyone, I know, I just don't

I believe in peace and rose petals

My mind is devoid of hatred 

And I am open to have my heart broken again

Raj says, its stupid to beleive it but I wish you all the best

They don't know how over the clouds and mountains and angels of life and death

I see myself at

So do you wonder?

If I am insane anymore?

It's temporary, this life

Carrying an amputated head in one hand, and a bag of roses in the other 

Its for you to decide 

To be judgemental and hold the despise

Or to make friends with everyone in the world

Open to the possibility,

And the unlimited positive energies,

Waiting outside your door, 

Knocking politely,

A little hospitality will do, 

Open you eyes, or don't

It doesn't even matter,

Just open your heart

And love

Everything you see

And Everything you don't 

Past. Present. Future.

                        

Loyalty is sexy, 
She has stuck by me all my life

And nothing felt better than my time with her

It was all so beautiful

We saw dreams together, 

Or at least I did

And so it is, 

I'm forcing life on myself

I am forcing a false belief

I am incomparably happy with my decision 

Then why is it, that I felt so bad that day?

Infatuation shouldn't come in bits and pieces

My twisted emotions need to get their shit together

It confuses me like time

It's scary like blood

Bewitched with demonic love

It can break you and make you, 

Both at once

Reality is nothing, so isn't love

Put you head in my lap now,

Hand me the machete

Sleep sweet child, 

Everything's fine,

Its all going be over now

Fighter

I know

I know who you think I am

I know you think that I'm this arrogant person who gets away with things the wrong way

You think I have liberated myself from the world and its boundaries and norms, 

But you underestimate the power of ideas you put inside my head when I was just a child, 

Today I am scared when I do the grocery shopping myself

I am scared of the taxi driver who drove me home today

I question my judgements, and I consider myself arrogant

I have a part of you inside of me, and I don't think you see that

I think you just see the part of myself that's battling everyday to find my reality

I think it scares you, 'cause this is not something that you're used to

But let me assure you, and if it gives you any comfort, I am scared inside

And while I know what I do not want, I am also not sure of what I want

So there you go, 

Take pleasure in that, 

You did a good job, 

I am not that confident, after all 

But there is a but even after that

I swear to god, I will never give up

Broken heart, damaged body and demons and a shattered belief; it didn't even touch my fervour

The rush in my blood is too heated, 

It stops me from letting in 

As long as this mutilated heart will beat, 

And as long my twisted brain will speak,

I will not surrender, 

I will not surrender. 

French fries and guilt

It's an average Saturday morning

I'm having fries for breakfast

I think I need this break once in a week at least, okay?

I have tears in my eyes this morning though, 

unlike any other day, 

She says this break is okay too

I heard knocking from my top bunk bed last night

It was something extremely ugly

I could see it in between the rail

It was staring right at me

My reflex was to scream at once

With those questioning eyes it stopped me, but

I could tell that she was worried

Something has bothered her a little too much

So I kept laying there,

Still and untouched

I could feel the fear in her eyes too

There was something she wanted to say

"I am guilt", I heard her say

I could see her dark soul through her throat

She was all bones from the inside and out

I could tell that she had been deprived

I opened my mouth to say that its alright, come next to me, you can sleep here tonight

Though as it was it shocked me to my core

The words I spoke were coming out of her throat

She spoke as I spoke to her

Same words, 

Same voice, 

So I looked close, and I wasn't surprised anymore, 

It made sense now, 

She was even wearing the same clothes

I don't blame myself, 

I swear to god, I don't

If anything I should've given myself a little more love

But the deed is done now, 

The sheets are bloody

The wrists have been emptied now

So lets just sit together,

And instead of whining about the past

Lets look at future

Plan our shit

And finish our fries