Fate isn't fair

I am selfish. And, I am an egocentric.

I don’t mean to justify my unjust, pitiful self by saying this, because believe me I am in no situation to ‘defend’ myself. Neither am I trying to prove myself as a greater person by accepting my flaws because in the end, flaws are FLAWS. I am here only acknowledging my reality. I confront myself by confessing my evil side now. I no longer fake smile for someone in grief just to make them feel better. I no longer offer the common courtesy to random strangers. I no longer meet up and go for the handshake for every person I had once or twice talked with. I no longer respond to the requests of my so called friends at Facebook to report some lame picture. Why should I? I simply do NOT want to do that.

I underestimated the brutality of love. Or is it even love that’s brutal? How can I say that it wasn’t merely my absurdity to fall for irrationality? How can I say that it wasn’t just an utter stupidity?  

I run from the reality.

Not realizing the devastation it could cause.  I run and then I face the consequences. First of all, there is guilt.

The never-ending pain of helplessness. The realization that I can NOT fix anything, the ruins, the wreckage, its in front of me. Their tears are shed in front of me and I can’t stop it. No matter how greatly I want to, I can never run away from it. I am caged. And, lonely and stranded. Yet, there is nothing I can do about it. Its all my fault. My absurdity. My wreckage.

The blood still flows in my veins. My heart still pumps. And I am still warm. But how come I can’t feel any of it? I feel confined in my own self.  I feel congestion in my breath, in my veins and in my body and feel like bursting out sometimes. I feel like pulling my hair to its roots. I feel like scratching myself till I bleed. I feel my head bursting from pain, severe pain every single second of my abandoned life. Yet… yet there is nothing I can do about it.

And then there is rage.

The burning desire of revenge. My life wasn’t supposed to be like this! My life wasn’t supposed to be a living hell! I try so hard to survive with the knowledge of the fact that fate isn’t fair.

The agony has no end.