Murderer

The nightmares had stopped all of a sudden. Or let’s just say it had switched places with reality. She found peace whilst she slept and reality was a live disaster.

I relive the dread. Every single day. My heartbeat heightens and I get scared to death. I want to just snap the memory out of my mind. But, fail every single time. I am conscience stricken. I feel disgusted by myself. I feel ugly. I feel like a murderer.

I have stopped ironing my clothes. I do not wear makeup anymore or have even touched my hair ever since. I don’t smile now. I don’t pay attention to anything they talk about me. It happens so often that I am tired of listening to all of it. It heightens my misery. Giving over my life into hands that were never mine and then being shuffled like a puppet. Played and used and then snapped out of hands to rot. I want to forget. I want to forget everything that happened. I want someone to take my memory and their memories too. I want to turn back time. I want it so bad. I want to realize then at that moment what I was about to do is only horrible. I want to have never renewed my rules. I want to be able to fix everything. But life is not a movie. And life is not fair.

Today is the period when my head never stops aching. I am veiled in helplessness and utter regret. I have gone far away in that. I try to find escape to this misery everywhere. I dig deep for every possibility to let go of every confinement of anguish dwelt down to my very soul. 

And fail, again.

I never knew reality could be this painful.  I was true to no one.  Solute to my foolishness to have even thought of getting contentment from life.

I never deserved any.

They kept trying. It felt incredible. But, she never could get herself out of the misery. Ever.