For granted.

You are aware of her unequivocal love and it's limitless extent. 

You see how you're the only one she has

and perhaps you love her too. 

But you take her regard for granted,

because you don't know what it feels like to be alone. 

-Fa

Not normal.

I don't know what exactly this is.

But I'm pretty sure its not normal. 

Its not a lot of the time. Not every day. 

Not every time I hear his name. 

Not yesterday. Not in the nights. Not in my sleep. 

It is all the time.

Each second of my life and each breath of my heavy lungs,

I can feel him in myself.

He never gets away. Never out of my sight. 

Never out of my way. Never far. 

And there's something terribly wrong with that. 

-Fa 

You.

You have always been living in me.

You will always be.

                                     -Fa

Hope you know

I hope you know it's love,

the moment you are willing

to do much more.

-Fa 

Who are you?

Either you are a disloyal person. That you've always been 

disloyal to me. That you take me, no different from the vultures

who are all gleaming and pretty from the outside -

and ruthless, inside. 

Or, you're a coward. A lonely, selfish coward. Who is

too afraid to take a stand for me. To actually step up against

what you feel has happened wrong. 

So, tell me what are you? What is your pick? Who are you?

                 -Fa

Solipsism.

It's true that it's just you who exists. 

It's true that everything else is an illusion. 

There are no people. There are objects. 

-Fa 

Blood. Paper. Pen. (2)

Dearly beloved,

Let me ask you a question today.
 Is it universe trying trying to hold us together or there's some other
mystic alchemy between us? Because if it is the universe, she has quite an odd way. 
(Not that I am not befittingly thankful for being with you like that)
I mean, we are always together. I see you. I feel you all the time. 
I think about you even in my sleep. I dream about you - 
But that's only because I am with you all day, right? Its not reality.
 But then, I'm not sure if you see me. Or feel me. Or dream about me. Its been two years, after all. 
You don't know how my voice sounds like today. You don't know how I look like now. 
You don't know that my best friend isn't Sarah anymore. 
But the only familiar faces they let me see are that of my crazy shrink and mom.
Though, its not sad at all that you don't know if I am still yours because 
what you don't see is what I see all the time. We are meant to be until
there is a last drop of blood left in my body. And its not happening soon, trust me I know.
There is a lot of it. And so  the universe gets tricky. It is her odd way.
Anyway, not from my body, but that's the last drop from my pot today.
So before they see and sedate me again, know that I still am yours. 
My voice is a bit hoarse but quite the same. Sarah was a cheater. 

And I have become skinnier. 

But above all, I love you more than ever.

Eternally and witheringly yours,
-Fa

Blood. Paper. Pen. (1)
http://fajanjua.blogspot.com/2014/09/blood-paper-pen.html

Blood. Paper. Pen. (3) 
http://fajanjua.blogspot.com/2015/04/blood-paper-pen-3.html

Blood. Paper. Pen. (4)
http://fajanjua.blogspot.com/2015/08/blood-paper-pen-4.html

Twisted and unwanted

Each day she tried to settle with the mourning of 

being twisted and unwanted.

"These people don't matter."

Very deep inside, she was terrified of the fact that 

she is always going to be alone.

One way or the other. 

-Fa

You.

I drowned in you and lost myself.

            -Fa 

He had in him

He had in him, the peacefulness of silence before war. 

                     -Fa

The first tear

It was complete today. Everything - Her attire, make up, the overall look. Her brows were perfectly shaped. She was wearing heeled crimson red Prada shoes with a bow on the front. She loved shoes with bows. Her dress was a pure silk skirt shimmering over her fully waxed body. Her finger nails were neatly painted in dark red, so were her toes. And for the eyes, she was wearing her favorite max eye liner.

These were truly the most stunning eyes.

"It’s not like the other days. I don't know if anything is even different today. I just feel a little bit of more beautiful than the rest of the days. I am happy today. It’s hard to believe but, I am thinking, yes. I really am happy today. I want to smile." Without any knowledge that she was already smiling all her way in since the second gear.

It was right after she felt a final breeze of cold over her glossed peachy lips - a horrendous bang. The rush, she was unaware could exist. It was a motley of extremely loud noise, the scent of blood, petrol and burning metal.

She was laying on the road, unable to feel her legs that were still in the inverted, wrecked car. Or were they still there? She tried to move her head to find out but it was impossible. All the glance she could get was that of her torn up dress, bloody and greased. That was when she felt the first tear trying to sweep inside the ear.

It was a matter of 10 seconds that the heavy breaths turned to snivels. Her body was too stressed for a sniff. Lighter moans, and silence.

Little did she know, the best days are sometimes the last.

- Fa Janjua

Human, after all.

I wish you die a helpless death.

When no one's around and your dying out of thirst. 

Its crazy, but you are human after all. 

I cant believe you had all the warmth and feelings and innocence once. 

Once, perhaps when you were a two year old? 

But I wish for all that to burn along with your worthless, ugly self.

 I don't pray for you that way really - but trust me when I say

 I truly want all that for you. Because I hope you rot in hell.

 And I feel no shame in hoping that.

-Fa

Beryl. Reticent. Lost.

Not anything, ever made her laugh. 

Nothing, ever made her want to smile. And to smile blithely.

It was a feeling she had forgotten about long ago. 

Her smiles were no more than 

curved lips - For the battles inside her head 

were now over. 

She was who she was going to be for the rest of her life.

Beryl. Reticent. Lost.

-Fa