Missing.

The worst part is

 when you miss someone

 so much 

that it makes you realize 

you loved them. 

She loved him. She was sure now. 

And there was nothing that she could 

do about it. 

-Fa

Blood. Paper. Pen. (3)

Dearly beloved,

Do you know what that means? 
"I will always love you."

Its not sugary. Its not a word of unbreakable vows.
 Its not healthy. Its racked. And dark, and honestly, I think its slowly poisoning me.

 Like an addiction, a haunting ghost, and an incurable illness, I am the victim of 
the malady here. I am unable to see clearly, because you are literally everywhere.  I want stop cutting myself. I want to move on. Just, for once pass on from the blight and barrage that has 

dragged me up till this point of convalescence. I want to forgive.

I want to not love you for just a day of my life, but I do. I love you.

Every second of it. Trust me,

 I don't want to. But I will always do. 

I will always love you.

Eternally and witheringly yours,

-Fa


Blood. Paper. Pen. (1)
http://fajanjua.blogspot.com/2014/09/blood-paper-pen.html

Blood. Paper. Pen. (2)
http://fajanjua.blogspot.com/2015/01/blood-paper-pen-2.html

Blood. Paper. Pen. (4)
http://fajanjua.blogspot.com/2015/08/blood-paper-pen-4.html

Glitter.

She was shimmer,a flask of glitter.

She was blade, a lovely scandal.

                  

                              -Fa

Lightening and the thunder.

Okay. You wanted this. So, listen. When I was a little girl, I was always afraid of the lightening and the thunder. It was him, my brother, who would hold my hand then. He'd tell me that if the ceiling fell on us, he'd lay on my top.This way it will hurt less, he'd say. And we would laugh together. He was great with kids, ever since he was one. He'd stand by me, hold my hand and put his arm on my shoulder and hug me like that. And smile. The smile that still appears before my eyes when I hear the clouds thunder, or the lightening. He practically raised me, you know? Because I remember only him being there when I needed to see a little light. Not once, was he not there. It was beautiful. And then, he died. Not long after we reached our 20s. So, I don't smile anymore. I am not afraid of the lightening. I don't wait for someone to hold me when I am seconds away to just, break down. I know, I won't. I haven't felt loved ever since. I don't expect so either. I don't play with the kids anymore. I don't laugh. Or smile. Or live. See how that works? That's life.

(The other side of Arizona Robbins)

-Fa

The dreams of you.

What I feel for you is an eternal secret. 

Because you will never know what it feels like

 to be tormented by the dreams of you. 

-Fa

You.

You,

You are the delusion of sanity, the naked exquisiteness. 

The randomness of joy, the deadly desire. 

You are a suicide, an endless sanctity. 

You are eternity. 

I.

                      -Fa

Losing me.

You know these are your choices. 

Your life and your priorities. 

You say that you're looking at the bigger picture

and everything. But really. 

You are losing me in that. 

I am not a diplomat. 

Not a political person.

When I care, I care one hundred percent, 

when I don't, I just don't. 

It may not be huge.

Not even be worth it for you. 

But know that you'll be losing it.

You'll be losing me. 

-Fa 

I'm sorry.

Thursday. August, 2014.

00:33

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for not having a heart big enough to endorse your silent tyranny, the mourning belief and your bitter lenity towards me. I did respect you, with all my heart and all its zest. I did care for you and loved and wished nothing but the best for you. Thou tonight, I'm sorry for having none of that to endure. Tonight I'm sorry not to you, but to myself for not having a heart big enough to wipe out clean, the torture you held upon my soul and the stance of not having done that. Tonight, I'm sorry not you, but to myself.

I'm sorry for not having a heart big enough.

-Fa

Past.

It doesn't. 

Past, it doesn't exist exist. It's a delusion, a memory. 

Merely some stories we tell each other that don't even resemble 

with others most of the times. Stories,that are only meant to feed our curiosity, our whys and why nots, our fears and our hopes. Also our regrets, and the unequivocal rage. It doesn't matter. I think it doesn't. Because the present, today and the right now will never rely on the atrocious and the unbelievable past. At least it doesn't have to. So, I guess it doesn't matter either.

I mean, I hope it doesn't. 

Because in all its ingenuity and all its flaw,  it is the only theory that makes me sleep at night. 

-Fa 

Caraphernalia

Because trust me when I say, I believe in one sided love.

I believe in loving someone who can never be yours. 

I believe in savoring the little euphoria we had and relishing in that. 

Maybe because, inside I'm afraid that it might rot otherwise? I don't know. 

What I do know is that I love loving you like this. And I'll always be his. 

But why does it kill me to know that I can never be with him? 

Why does it break me apart every time I hear his voice? 

Why do I tear every time I see his face? How is he still happy? 

Why does the thought sting in my heart? Why do I still cut? 

Why does it hurt like this? 

- Fa