The Seasons of Madness

Chapter one: Wait

July, 2013

Waiting had never been this painful. I fear it might take my sanity away. I mean, I have known wait. It's an ache, I remember. It used to be teary, and sad - besides the dint of joy it had in it. The memories brought back you, and I liked having you in my thoughts. But its not the same now. I lost the joy as it turned to a deep pit of helplessness. You've taken over my nerve now. I feel like screaming out your name to the stars because it's the only thing we share. And as the cruel inevitability frightens me to the thought that this wait carries endless darkness just as that of the dark pit I writhe myself into, I fear even more. 

Chapter two: Delusion

September, 2013

I can dreadfully feel it tearing me apart. I don't remember living a day without thinking about you. I even feel like I see you sometimes. Like when I rush my head up for the mirror. Or when I am in a hurry for work and I need to take one last look at myself. And when someone hastily walks past me. 

I see you.

Chapter three: Hysteria

January, 2014

Centuries have passed upon my barren existence since I last saw you. And yet, everyday is a struggle. Everyday a marathon of running myself from the shadow of you that I have found in myself.

Chapter four: Pain

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Chapter five: Peace

April, 2014

I have found peace. Or maybe peace has found me?  The barefoot, bloody walks have taught me a lot about myself. And about you - Although, its not different at all. You are me. And, I am you. I had been crazy all that time for cutting and bruising myself in the pursuit of finding you or perhaps just to get a little closer to you. Had I known that I have been hurting you too, I swear I wouldn't have bladed at all, my love.  For you and I, we were never you and I. 

We are one.

Chapter six: Madness

May, 2014.

I walk in the brutally silent streets outside my empty house. I hope it's not troubling but often these days, I hear you in the raging screams that I've found in the silence. And when the sun shines upon me in the scorching 45 degrees heat, I don't see myself in the shadow walking beside me. I see you. 


- Fa

Giving up

I don't believe in giving up. I realize it’s an enslaving pain that only grows and is eating me up little by little inside. I know that I can die just one time and prefer it over dying an agonizing death every single day, perhaps every single wink of my reminiscing eyes. But, I don't. It’s not even because I'm a little addicted to this ache, not because I now relish the pain neither because I'm incomplete without it but because I'm not a coward.

-Fa

Eternities

There are eternities in a single moment,

while a moment is all that sorcerizes. 

- Fa

The living death

She's the smudged writing on a crumbled piece of paper. 

She's the living death. 

- Fa

Her macabre thoughts

Stop worrying so much about your 

so-called upholding sentences,

which, by the way are meaningless in her macabre thoughts.

She is the ignorance to your sagacity. 

She cares the least about the love for humanity,

your rapture towards the propitious life, truth. 

She's dark now. Her life, beryl. 

-Fa 

Madness

Madness.

I think I'm falling in love with this.

I mean, it's the only part of me that's still alive. You know,

like when a bird is cut off of it's wings or when someone
 loses their eyes. And, like when I lost you. 

There's just this incidental, but a furious
 emotion left in your heart. Madness.

And I think I really am stuck on it. 

- Fa