Unaltered

 For all the times

You were in the driving seat

And were my husband

For all the times

You were lying next to me

And were my lover

For all the times

You were cute and funny and adorable

And were my best friend

A guardian

Lovebird,

A fanatic, fearless, companion

I thank you.

For all the times

You were silent

When I poured my heart out

For all the times

You misunderstood me

When I shared myself inside out

For all the times

I felt scared

When you turned your back on me

In despise,

Unfathomable

nauseating, unspeakable plight

I was such a shame.

I am sorry.

And I thank you.

I love you

And I want to stay away from you

You beautiful, hurtful,

Unaltered disguise.

Fa 

January

 What will January bring?

What will your heart decide?

So many hopes

So much longing

For a daughter

For a fiancè

For a brother

For an innocent and lovely unborn child

For a crime-stricken unborn mother

Unveiled

And undressed

Shamed - isolated and guilt-ridden

For a marriage

Long awaited

For mad love - almost forgotten

What will January bring?

A pregnant belly

With an unborn child

And an unbutchered fetus

A clot that is welcomed

To grow

And be fed

In nausea

And nutrition

With Vitamins without fear

A boy

A girl

Someone wanted

Someone loved

And cared for

Not to be be pushed out

too soon

Out of fear

Out of uncertainty

Unmurdered

None of that

Maybe January will be kind

Fa

Criminal

An uncommitted crime

An unconventional kill - out of uncertainty

Has left me drained

Has left me dead

Has left me dry

To rot

On earth

In hell

Do I believe anymore?

To exist

To try

To love

To fight?

An uncommitted crime.

An uncommitted crime?

Weighs too heavy this time

Weighs too heavy this time. 

Fa

Marshmallow

I love you comes so naturally

predestined fate

For it comes from the

same soul

Same roots

Same language

Same thread

Softly, gently, carefully

towards my

loving caring marshmallow

soul mate

Like magnets,

Madness and guilt

A pillow and its case

Blanket in its warmth

A brother and three years younger sister

The black and the white

Blood and pen

A picture and its frame

Your mother and your dad

Door to the escape;

never apart again

Never apart again

Never apart again

Fa

Young Love

I love it when you come back

to say something (so unimportant)

to kiss me goodbye

for one last time;

one more time,

my sweetheart.

I love it how you are just as addicted

to the kiss

to the touch

to the overwhelming euphoria of each other’s presence

I love it how we are inseparable

after so much drama

all the commotion

the insane stream of tears;

nonetheless,

together.

Fa

Self-love

Peek in and bend

A dark shadow; perhaps just that

Or a rabit?

See if you can

Burnt tar

And dark smoke

Alas! It's a girl

Maybe a trick?

See where it goes

She shivers and writhes,

In ugly desire

And squeaks and cries,

Lies. All lies.

A self-entitled bitch

A step forward, and two taken aback.

Does she even know her name?

She jerks in sleep,

Shaken by her crimes

A little too many

Filthy and defiant

Confused?

Sick?

A belligerent, rebellious nobody

A mirror too much

Reflections, too many

Remind her of the demons:

The papa she abandoned

The mama she resents

Those bloody trousers

That horrible scent

Can you see now?

A white dress - wrapped around her bones and a dance

A lovely, Solitary, dance.

Translucent vase

The black haired witch.

Would you witness the ritual?

She severes the head of the white rabit.

White and red.

Red in white.

She will die a lonely death.

Fa

Free Thought

 

He says you're not such an emotional mess

and he says, you should give yourself some credit

And yes the dilemma between reality and illusion

Makes me want to pull my hair sometimes

The longing for an escape has made my heels wear out

On top of that, there is confusion: I see you

In the people walking past me,

Hastily,

and as I turn around

It's not you

Nor anything,

nor anyone,

Was it even possible to be so free?

It has past the crises what they call existencial, you see

The shadows in my dreams,

And the blood,

So much,

Everywhere,

Makes me wonder if it's really me

who witnesses these thoughts,

Or am I the thoughts myself?

So could you blame me?

I am lost,

But a little less than everyone around me,

And a little more,

Than I think I should be.

fa

Commence.

 

I am servility; jerk and pluck.

A bionic cloud; my hero.
A wild deer – tamed.

He is glitter; a godlike dusk.
A devil in question; ripped apart.

But sweet and lovely; marshmallow.

A dream, yet another one.

Fat and thirsty; made out of wood.
Ablaze.

And then a promise – a love promise.

The severed head of a demon in left, I hold out my right.
Commence.

A tank full of pure-oxygen, an ignition.

Detoner, immortal.
This seed will bud with two heads.

Fa

A magnanimous Outburst.

 The sheets are empty

And maybe I am too.
A beatless heart,
And a magnanimous burst.
A soulless cry,
And a mysterious love.
These unleashed demons and
A squeak so loud
A crushed to ground;
Butterfly.

He waited for the coldest night of a lifetime.
An extravagant adventure
A sculpture, an ice sculpture.
A claim unprocessed.
A right undelivered.

(My heartache may kill me tonight.)

He carved with care.
He cut and carved;
And filed and blew.
Shaped her right.
Chiseled in plight.

But the ice-dust will waft away all the pain.

Put your hands on mine,
Just a little bit of patience will do.
The flower will bud,
Maybe unscented at first.
It will be beautiful and beyond the conventional love.
Forgive me tonight, and move past the hurt.
Only once and yet forever.
Forgive me tonight, and move past the hurt. 

 

Fa

A Dream.

 Take a scalpel.
Or a sharpener blade
It's thin like paper
Like a broken dream
Fragile - a dilapidated soldier
The war is lost,
I lay bare.


Now open my heart,
See you all you can
An autopsy of the live
One beat here, another missed --- spasms.
Ice cold velvet rush,
In snow;
In quarantine;
Yield.

See for yourself
For you can see all you can
All there is;
The rotten flesh - plastic.
Dried blood,
And black rose-petals
Revolting manners and a sickening scent.
Rebellious and arrogant she grew.
Now dead; dead inside.

See for yourself.
See all you can.

 

Fa

Lavender.

 A lavender delight got me.

And I started to melt; like new snow
on a sunny day, a knob of butter
On a warm pan, a teenage dream
Innocent.
Unanticipated breakdown.

On ice.
On sleet.
A surrender, a beautiful surrender. 

 

 

Fa