Angels and demons

He sees me 

He makes me smile

And I swear to all the gods people say there are, 

I am losing it. 

He corners me with his eyes

In a big posh room, with chandeliers and bricked up fireplace

And all there's left inside my chest

There and then

Ash, nothing else

And I know, I know, I know

They'll say I'm crazy as fuck

Once they know about this world that I have dwelt myself into

But he makes me want to be myself

Like im hanging upside down

From a crazy rollercoaster ride

Buckled up in belts

Laughing my heart out

this is what I want

And I hope with all my heart he knows

What he means to me

I hope with all my brains he realizes 

What he's done to me

And a tiny part of me hopes

That he loves me back

I look at him,

He smiles back

You know what? I think he knows

...

...

I am madly in love with you now

image courtesy: Trruetje - devianart

Walking over glass

My feet are cold

No, really

They are freezing right now

Can you hear these sounds as well?

What the fuck is that?!

Is there a leaking tap in my house? 

It's these clattering sounds

Hold your breath, just a second,

wait,

Can you smell the rotten flesh?

I wonder how ugly it can further get

Put your feet on mine

Hold my legs as well, I'll need this tonight,

That's all I have

I guess, yes

I think so too

Tell them I am fine now

I know I am

Broken glasses, black cats, crying bitches and rats

They don't fear me anymore, no

It just doesn't matter anymore

Is there a more horrifying demon than the one that resides in yourself?

The taboos don't affect my life, no, no more

I am yours, you are only mine forever

I am me, for you are me too

I am one, the only one is I 

So give yourself a bath tonight,

Wash off the blood, this dirt and mud

There is just no more treasure here

Lets pack our bags now

Lets leave this town for good now 

The epilogue of uncertainty

I see her, 

standing alone with earphones in her ears

I can tell that she has nothing on her mind except for the voice that's going into her head

that fucking felicitous voice

I get close to her 

She sees me 

I bend down,

Fuck

Is she watching me?

are my laces untied? Am I looking alright? Does it even matter? 

I am just another madman

But I think she is an angel

She is such an angel

I touch her 

Her skin, sate and shattering

Her smile makes me want to die inside 

Her fingers, a loathe of joy

Her eyes, mocking dreams, glaciers, oceans and skies

Put your hand on my chest now

Can you feel the quivering disguise of death?

rattling in my ears, 

Fret of the unknown 

The epilogue of uncertainty is going down in my ankles

I think someone was here last night

The bed seems to have suffered

But when you have nothing 

but burnt ashes, 

writhing love 

and a pristine scent

Is there anything left to hide?

image courtesy: Suhail, from Kashmir, India

Illness.

Can you tell a rotten heart, 

from lifesaving love,

when both of them wear the same white cloak?

Can you misread the screams, 

when thats all that you can hear?

Can you count your blessings, 

when you're busy fearing your destiny?

Can you tell a bastard child,

 from bunch of naked eleven year olds?

When you have stripped yourself in front of someone,

 from the inside and out

And you shed a million tears in the lap of a demon, 

Silence

Discomfort

Emptiness and fear

Take you over

Then you hear the screams again

And you feel the filth over your bare body

I hope they don't see me like that

I am breathless tonight, or is it morning? 

Is someone standing at the door?

I can hear them mourning

I think someone has died tonight

I think I am sure

Its just you and your broken plates

Its just you and your fate 

Fear of the unknown

I lay on a bed of words so harsh

I lay here scared, but arrogant

I have only one thing in my head 

There is no emptiness in my life

There is just so much

Reverse depression is one of those things, 

I think I enjoy it now

Anhedonia is old news, I have discovered unseen lands of darkness 

Am I willing to give up rose,

glitter,

white chocolate,

and plum?

I guess I am, 

This is unspeakably vulgar what we are talking about

So speak out angels of truth,

I hope you are with me now

The wrath of this world should be enough, 

Tell the God I don't want to die alone now, 

I have only one thing in my head

I have only one thing in my head

Fa

Rebel's journal

Forced religion

Forced respect

Forced love

Forced marriage

Forced rituals

Forced education

Forced prayers

Forced fasting

Forced employment

Forced unemployment

Forced laughter

Forced conversations

Forced pretentiousness

Forced unpretentiousness

Forced relationships

Forced enforcement

Forced pleasure

Forced devotion

Is it just me who sees that?

Is it only me who's lost?

I don't see the point in all of this

I don't see anything at all

Does it make me a sinner for thinking this way? 

Does it make me a disbeliever? 

Does it make me a blasphemous?

Do I deserve this shame?

For feeling the way I feel

Me education's betrayal 

My hopeless ways

I don't want to be a sinner

I never wanted a forced raise

Bring me back or leave me unafraid

I wish I could say this to your face

Fa

Only fools rush in

Strange as it may seem, I feel like I am moving around in zero gravity, unaware of where this fate, lunacy or whatever the crappy science fiction kodac film or black and white hypnotic loop it is that I am stuck into. All I know right now is that  if put in terms of life, I am crawling like a miserable cripple with a blurry vision, running nose and bad stomach ache.
Is this really happening to me? I thought I'd be loved - an idea so alien to my existence now. I feel like laughing all of a sudden.
It is strange.
I call myself a solipsistic and yet I am depressed. Why would god intend to induce such belief system in me whilst offering circumstances that make me so desperate for love and happiness? Great, call me a blasphemous now. I had never been so full of titles. Its like a whole new honour. I have a brain that speaks of justice, love and values. And that's exactly why and what's bothering your sexist brain so much. I am not a sheep, or a hypocrite. On top of that I am bold, and that's the biggest of all sins I sin.

The moment you understand how personal faith and how great god is, is precisely the moment you will actually start to understand your existence and its meaning. But for most people, I doubt that's even possible for they are too involved in customs and traditional taboos based on sexism, judgement and materialism. Its a disorder, certainly, but we can't really do anything about it.

Stop using phrases like, "I believe" "I think", or "according to me" etc, because what according to you is, is. There's simply nothing else. Do you really believe that you could find true love once you bow down to the world and its taboos? Do you really think that if they tell you they love you after that, truly means that they love you? You aren't even yourself then. So what's this tear about? What's this melancholy?
Words.
Tears are real. So is love. Happiness however, I am not sure of. Something that I am so dependent upon, doesn't even exist. And that's the dilemma I have lost myself into. That's the bitterness of life. That's the sadness. The melancholy. The hopelessness. i really thought id be loved one day. I really thought id end up happy.
As I said, strange. Very strange. 

Listen to the heartbeat

Just listen to the heart beat
Can you hear the name that it calls?
The mind that screams the screams of an unwanted resolve
The body that yells 
The tears that burn
Silently
Cries, that make my stomach churn
Be strong, child 
Just listen to the heart beat
Where there is a will, there is a way
They say
So fear not, my dear
No you are not crazy
Just hold on to the divinity
Just hold on tight
Love melts all
And hypocrisy will only make you die
And when the time comes for them, 
Oh they will shine so bright
Together, 
Forever, 
Just listen to the heart beat, 
Isn't that what it says?
Just listen to the heart beat, 
Hold on tight

Ruffle and fret

Hey little boy
I can see you running 
What's this ruffle and all this fret?
Around and about
In the middle of nowhere
What are trying to find?
There aren't even any corners 
I wish you learned how to forget
The time to relax is over now
Can you hear the screams? They are back now
Thunders never seemed so beautiful
Nor did the bloodshot eyes
The gloomy sky and skinny thighs
Can you not see the entice?
This obscenity
cum
the disguise of a dirty smile
Can you not feel the serenity?
This pinching pain
Dormant
the aching eyes
There's no promise for tomorrow
But is there any for today? 
Nothing but a glittery raw lie
This heart is missing beats though
His voice makes me break now
His eyes are stabbing into the deepest cores of myself 
I know the feel of wither now
Can you not see how helpless I am?
His chest, his hair, his body and him, 
That's all 
That's all there's left within

Infinity

She laid beside him, with her right leg on top of his. Bare, with dried sweat and cum over her body. 

"Is this open eyed dreaming?" She said finally. "I cant hear the screaming anymore. Can this really be a beautiful dream?"

She couldn't see him but she could feel that in his voice that he was smiling. Talking while smiling always changed his voice a little and she always noticed that. One of the many reasons she was head over heels in love with him: His voice. He leaned over his head a little and kissed her forehead and moved his body to the right, held her tighter and said "this is as real as it can be, meri jaan, you were right, life is really paying us back."
He looked into her eyes and could see that they were slowly filling up with tears. She looked into his. And that was it: infinity. Like averil was told once. Exquisite end of universe. Everything that it had made zero sense there then. It was just him, her and the scent of mad love in air. And both of them knew, that it was more than enough and more than they could ever dream of for them.