Let go

This just gave me a moment. Everything in her hands was exactly that I was holding onto. Hurt, guilt, anger, shame.. regret. No matter how hard they tried, the end was nothing but a lot of tears and a lot of weeping. 

People change. And they change in the most horrible ways. They reveal their shockingly monstrous side. The side that all of us conceal in ourselves maybe. The side from which the curtains are shed only when the time comes. In some cases, well in most of the cases the time never comes and their friends literally live a life full of delusions. Thinking their friend is the one only, the loyal, the perfect person who would NEVER in the world judge you or get you in trouble. It's pathetic, really. But never mind, people are sick. "You can't live without trusting people, but you have got to be wise", one of the most reasonable friends had told me once.  How very true of her. 

Living in the moment doesn't mean a complete betrayal towards your conscience in the lure of stand-by happiness, but it means letting go of regret IN THE NAME of NEVER repeating your mistakes. Time that gives a lesson, no matter how many hardships you have faced because of it, is a time well-spent. Past doesn't matter, none of it does. It can never make you a person you are today. So, why hurt? Why regret? Why fear?

Plus, know that you're not alone. EVERYONE has his flaws and faults. They are different for different people. Minor and major for different people. Guidance is another thing, the moment you start ACCUSING people of their misdoings, you start forgetting your owns. And that, according to me, is the root of all evil. 

It

It took more than long to get my .txt file saved on my desktop.

Well, it was a lot of chatting. I had to save it. No, not online. But, in my computer. As a reminder everyday and every second of my life.

I'll tell you the truth, I was in a dark place for a while. But I got away with it. Somehow, I always do. The difference only this time was that it opened up realities of many people. It's not wrong what they say about time, it does have its turnarounds and the turnarounds do reveal realities.

All this time I used to think of her as a best friend with whom I could laugh, with whom I could talk about everything, whom I could make jokes with and whose I could make fun of and who could make mine, while never being judged for even a second.

I was wrong.

I used to think of myself as person who would never see people for what they are not. Somehow I always knew, or thought I knew. Somehow I always trusted them.

I was wrong.

I suffered. And, honestly I did learn from it. I will never trust a single person in my life, now. I have changed. I am not saying that I won't make friends anymore or never call anyone my best friend, I am just going to be not as wrong anymore as I was before. And, I think its a great change that ever occurred to me my whole life. I just hope I don't flip, ever.

The truth is,

Some people are just not worth it.

Not worth smiling for.
Not worth sitting with.
Not worth joking with.
Not worth trusting.

If I had time - The to-do list

This is the case with most of us. The 'to-do' list has never an end. Has it? Here's mine. Some of the things I'd have done if, well lets say, if I weren't this lazy!

• I would make a fan page. And regularly post highly literary stuff there. I'd maintain it well.
• I'd make a list of 'all the movies you wanna watch in your teenage'
• I'd like each and every answer of my followers at ask and frequently make fan signs for them.
• I'd start writing the book based on the movie 'blue valentine'.
• I'd call my family and friends every Sunday and have a good talk.
• I'd cook.
• I'd put on different make up every day and dress up as and imitate one of my favorite characters.
• I'd start the book about my closest five friends.
• I'd scan my computer and remove all the viruses. And install a worthy anti virus.
• I'd take a billion photos.
• I'd learn programming.
• I'd practice and get a perfectly prepared dance on a hip hop song.
• I'd blog many a times a day. And share EVERYTHING in my mind.
• I'd write letters to my special friends.
• I'd sing and record an acoustic mash-up of some of the songs I like.

Murderer

The nightmares had stopped all of a sudden. Or let’s just say it had switched places with reality. She found peace whilst she slept and reality was a live disaster.

I relive the dread. Every single day. My heartbeat heightens and I get scared to death. I want to just snap the memory out of my mind. But, fail every single time. I am conscience stricken. I feel disgusted by myself. I feel ugly. I feel like a murderer.

I have stopped ironing my clothes. I do not wear makeup anymore or have even touched my hair ever since. I don’t smile now. I don’t pay attention to anything they talk about me. It happens so often that I am tired of listening to all of it. It heightens my misery. Giving over my life into hands that were never mine and then being shuffled like a puppet. Played and used and then snapped out of hands to rot. I want to forget. I want to forget everything that happened. I want someone to take my memory and their memories too. I want to turn back time. I want it so bad. I want to realize then at that moment what I was about to do is only horrible. I want to have never renewed my rules. I want to be able to fix everything. But life is not a movie. And life is not fair.

Today is the period when my head never stops aching. I am veiled in helplessness and utter regret. I have gone far away in that. I try to find escape to this misery everywhere. I dig deep for every possibility to let go of every confinement of anguish dwelt down to my very soul. 

And fail, again.

I never knew reality could be this painful.  I was true to no one.  Solute to my foolishness to have even thought of getting contentment from life.

I never deserved any.

They kept trying. It felt incredible. But, she never could get herself out of the misery. Ever.

Fate isn't fair

I am selfish. And, I am an egocentric.

I don’t mean to justify my unjust, pitiful self by saying this, because believe me I am in no situation to ‘defend’ myself. Neither am I trying to prove myself as a greater person by accepting my flaws because in the end, flaws are FLAWS. I am here only acknowledging my reality. I confront myself by confessing my evil side now. I no longer fake smile for someone in grief just to make them feel better. I no longer offer the common courtesy to random strangers. I no longer meet up and go for the handshake for every person I had once or twice talked with. I no longer respond to the requests of my so called friends at Facebook to report some lame picture. Why should I? I simply do NOT want to do that.

I underestimated the brutality of love. Or is it even love that’s brutal? How can I say that it wasn’t merely my absurdity to fall for irrationality? How can I say that it wasn’t just an utter stupidity?  

I run from the reality.

Not realizing the devastation it could cause.  I run and then I face the consequences. First of all, there is guilt.

The never-ending pain of helplessness. The realization that I can NOT fix anything, the ruins, the wreckage, its in front of me. Their tears are shed in front of me and I can’t stop it. No matter how greatly I want to, I can never run away from it. I am caged. And, lonely and stranded. Yet, there is nothing I can do about it. Its all my fault. My absurdity. My wreckage.

The blood still flows in my veins. My heart still pumps. And I am still warm. But how come I can’t feel any of it? I feel confined in my own self.  I feel congestion in my breath, in my veins and in my body and feel like bursting out sometimes. I feel like pulling my hair to its roots. I feel like scratching myself till I bleed. I feel my head bursting from pain, severe pain every single second of my abandoned life. Yet… yet there is nothing I can do about it.

And then there is rage.

The burning desire of revenge. My life wasn’t supposed to be like this! My life wasn’t supposed to be a living hell! I try so hard to survive with the knowledge of the fact that fate isn’t fair.

The agony has no end. 

Dead

I was walking. Smiling. Loving. Adoring every bit of it. I kept walking until I got bored and started to jog. I jogged for a while but it didn't feel so free. I started to run. I ran. I kept running. Running like the wind. Wild and free and laughing. I ran like the little child flying his kite on the roadway. Taking care of only his kite and not even bothering for the rushing traffic. I kept running just like that. With full speed and vigor and with all my energy and bang! Out of nowhere I was smacked. In the face. I was struck by an invisible blockage. I was struck hard. It was invisible! I couldn't see anything. I was blinded. It was some sort of repellent fence for me or something. And I was loudly knocked by that.

I had fallen at least two feet away from the unseen fence. Barefoot, bruised, bled and out of life. The truth is that I am still there. Lying on the ground. I am unable to move. I am unable to stand or to even sit up. I’m just there. Lying.

This was reality. Which actually is the unseen fence, the blockage and the lightening that is meant to strike you in the face. This is reality and that is how it strikes. 

Just like trust

Shattered.

Do you know what that means? Shattered?

Imagine rigidity. Imagine rock. Solid and thick flocked over a cemented grip. Its firm  tumidity makes it look unbreakable. It looks strong. But suddenly, it falls. Out of nowhere. Unpredictably. 

It opens up. Collapsed. Broken. Parted in uncountable littler pieces. Like a piece of cotton shredded into a million pieces. Impossible to be sewed back together and impossible to be healed. It is shattered.

There seems not a single way to pull everything together again. None, at all. And that's exactly how it feels - shattered.